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ESL/EFL Texts: Jokes for ESL/EFL Beginners

 Q&A Jokes
GiftAn American In England
An Unhappy LiarThe Goldfish
Little JohnnyChange
Who am I?Two Jewish
What is Wrong?Fairy Tales
The Fleeing Patient The Bible
Making BabiesA Son
The FutureI'll Tell Him Later
Class Of 2008...The Silent Treatment
Trumpets and Guns   Sandwiches
What a TurkeySwimming
SinnerThe Damsel
Me First!!Print Problems

Q&A Jokes

Q: What is the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers in Laws

Q: What should a girl do if your boyfriend walks out?
A: Close the door.

Q: When is a man like a dog?
A: When he is a boxer.

Q: What can be served but not eaten?
A: A tennis ball.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care!

Q: Why do archaeologists make the best husbands?
A: The older the wife gets the more interest he has in her.

Q: What's the definition of archaeologist?
A: It's someone whose career lies in ruins.

Q: How to tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the definition of a light-year?
A: A lot less calories than a regular year.
Note: A light-year is unit of distance in astronomy (approximately 9.46 trillion km).

Q: What part of a clock is never new?
A: The second hand.

Q: What's the definition of Diplomacy?
A: It's the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' until you can find a brick.

Q: What's the definition of a balanced diet?
A: Holding a chocolate cake in each hand.

Gift

A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this lavish gift, a friend asks, "I thought she wanted one of those four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," replies the guy. "But where in the hell am I going to find a fake Jeep?"

An American In England

An American visiting England asks the hotel concierge for the elevator.

The porter looks a bit confused for a moment and then smiles as he realizes what the man wants. "You must mean the lift!"
"No," the American replies. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."
"Well," the porter answers, "over here we call them lifts."
"Now listen," says the rather irritated American, "An America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the porter replies in a polite tone, "And an Englishman invented the language."

An Unhappy Liar

Patent: Hey Doc! Everyone thinks I'm a liar!
Doctor: Sorry but, I don't believe you!

The Goldfish

A man looks over his fence to see the neighbour's boy, little Willy, filling in a hole in the garden.
"Hi Willy. What are you doing?" asks the man.
"Burying my dead goldfish," sobbed Willy.
"So why do you need such a big hole?" asks the man.
"Because," Willy answers, "he's in your damned cat!"

Little Johnny

Teacher: Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say, "I am."
Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Change

"Mom," said the little boy, in from playing. "I think the people who live next door are really, really poor?"
"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a penny!"

Who am I?

A dirty little boy walks into the kitchen after playing on a muddy field and asks his mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game his mum replies, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"Oh No!" cries the boy. "Mrs. Jones was right! She said I'm so dirty, even my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

Two Jewish

Two retired Jewish millionaires met in Florida and were explaining to each other how they made their money.

The first one says, "I built a new factory to manufacture textiles and insured it for 10 million dollars. Unfortunately, it was only open one day when it burned to the ground."

The second one says, "My story is similar. I built a factory to manufacture gloves. Unfortunately, it was only open two days, when it was destroyed by a terrible flood. So the first millionaire says, "How did you start a flood?"

What is Wrong?

A worried lady rushes to see her doctor and says, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot, and I had this corpselike look on my face! What's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "I don't know... But, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Fairy Tales

A little girl asks her father, "Dad, do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?"
"Nope" He replies, "Most begin with 'If elected I promise...'"

The Fleeing Patient

A patient is seen fleeing down a hospital corridor just before his operation.
"What's wrong?" asks a visitor.
"I've just heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you," replied the visitor, "what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me," stuttered the frightened patient, "She was talking to the doctor!"

The Bible

A boy opens an old family Bible and looks with fascination at the pages as he turns them. Suddenly, something falls out of the Bible. He picks it up and looks at it closely. It's an old tree leaf that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mum, look what I found," the shouts boy.
"What is it, dear?" his mother asks.
"I think it's Adam's underpants!"

Making Babies

An eight year old comes home from school and says to her mother, "Mum, Guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, a little surprised, asks fearfully, "That's interesting and how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replies the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'ies'."

A Son

A couple have eight daughters and desperately want a son. On their ninth attempt they are finally blessed with a boy. They are so overjoyed that they invite all their friends to a lavish party to celebrate the birth.

While the party is in full swing one of the guests approaches the father to congratulate him. "So tell me," he says, "who does your little boy take after? Does he look like you, or his mum?"
The father thinks for a while and says, "Well, to be honest, I don't know. We haven't looked at his face yet!"

The Future

A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" the husband asks.
After some thought, the wife replies, "I'll probably look for a house share with three other single women. It might fun to share with women a little younger than myself, as I've always been so active."

"What will you do if I die first?" the wife asks.
The husband replies, "Probably the same."

I'll Tell Him Later

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the assistant.
"Do you what gauge he wants?" asks the assistant.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

Class Of 2008...

Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, "How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?"
"I'm the class of 2008. I just graduated from Harvard and I'm very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!"
The driver shakes the young man's hand and replies, "Congratulations young man. I'm George, Class of 1995."

The Silent Treatment

A husband and wife are having some problems at home and are giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realises that he will need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he writes on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man wakes up and discovers that its 9:00 AM and that he's missed his flight.
Furious, he is about ask his wife why she didn't wake him, when he notices a piece of paper on the bed. The paper said,"It's 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

Texas Town Trumpets and Guns

In a small Texas town a guy opens a store selling trumpets and guns.
One day a tourist pays him a visit and says, "Hey pal this is a strange business!"
"What do you mean strange?" says the storekeeper.
"Only selling trumpets and guns." Replies the tourist.
"O, I find it works quite well."
"What do you sell the most of trumpets or guns?" asks the tourist.
"Its about even." Says the storekeeper. "Each time a customer buys a trumpet I usually one of his neighbours buys a gun!"

Sandwiches

Two guys go into a bar and sit down at the counter.
They order a couple of sodas and then take sandwiches out of their packed lunches and started to eat them.
The owner sees what they are doing and says, "Guys, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The two men stop, look at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

What a Turkey

A lady is looking at the frozen turkeys in a supermarket.
She ca't find one that's big enough for her family so she asks a assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replies, "No love, they stop growing when they're dead!"

Swimming

A beautiful woman walks into an orchard and found a lovely pool on a hot summers day.
She decides to cool off by go skinny-dipping. She looked around, doesn't see anyone, and undresses.
Just as she is about to dive in, the orchard owner appears from behind a bush where he was hiding. He tells her, "Swimming is prohibited."
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolds him.
He replies, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

Sinner

A girl kneels in the confessional and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
"What is it my child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice today I have gazed at myself in the mirror and said how beautiful I look."
The priest turns, takes a look at the girl, and says, "I have good news for you. That isn't a sin it's merely a mistake."

The Damsel

An Evil king captured a beautiful girl. He forced her to wear a shabby dress and sit in a tower.
She waited day and night with the hope that a prince would come and free her. But he never came.
Eventually, she cried in distress and the evil king laughed, "See, No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress!"

Me First!!

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie appears in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so you can have one each."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
In a Poof of smoke she's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of drinks and the love of my life." In a Poof of smoke he's gone.
"OK, you're turn," says the Genie.
The manager replies, "I want those two back in theoffice after lunch!"
Moral of the story: Always let your boss get the first word in.

Print Problems

When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man said, "The printer probably only needs to be cleaned. Our store charges 60$ for a call out to do the cleaning. So you might like to try reading the printer's manual first and doing the job yourself."
Pleasantly surprised by the repairman's sincerity the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"O sure." Says the repairman. " It was his idea! We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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